A Puddle of True Blood

Going slightly outside the box for this post. Normally, I only review shows and movies for the ZSC. Those all revolve around zombies, of course. As much as I love the flesh-munching bastards, there’s a certain level of professionalism I have to utilize when writing up those reviews.

Not so much for my personal chunk of the internet. (Imagine me gleefully rubbing my hands together while sitting at my antique desk. Got it? Awesome. Hey, wait… you’re imagining me with clothes on, right?)

Anyways… It is no secret that I love vampires in pretty much any way shape or form. UNLESS THEY SPARKLE. Sparkling vampires can fuck right off.

True Blood caught my interest to fill the long-empty gap in my vampire ogling habits. Come on, can you blame me once you get an eye-full of Alexander Skarsgard? That’s what I thought.

First and foremost, I’m a reader. Once I devoured the first season of the show, I picked up Charlaine Harris’ Southern Vampire Series (aka the Sookie Stackhouse novels). They’re quirky, easy to read, and are great for stealing a day to be in another world surrounded by sexy creatures of all flavors.

But holy crap on a stick, Batman… never, EVER try to compare the books to the TV show. Your Brain Will Melt.

As my mother so eloquently put it, “What are the writers smoking and why the hell didn’t they share? Maybe then it’d make sense!” (Now you all know where I get my humor from.)

Season five of True Blood started on Sunday. It has diverged so greatly from the original source material that I forced myself to see it as a separate beast… and applied liberal amounts of rum in accomplishing this.

Lets see… How to describe the season premiere without spoilers?

Sookie is, of course, making a lot of questionable decisions while cleaning up yet another dead body. That’s not a spoiler! It’s the same dead body from the season four finale. If you’re that far behind, go buy the god damned DVDs and catch up to the rest of the class. A round of applause to Sookie for scooping up chunks of were-bitch skull without flinching. Even I would’ve cringed.

Alcide is stunning in his growly werewolf-ness. Of all the characters they’ve brought in, he may be the only one still anywhere close to his story line in the novel. Though I have a feeling that is about to go awry, as it always does. I will say, if the producers of True Blood have an ounce of self-preservation, they better not harm a hair on that wolf’s hide.

Eric and Bill are all BFF and shit. My head hurts from that one. It really does. Mom’s rant for the night was, “Bill is not a King!” I fully agree, the character is too weak in standing and doesn’t have that… oomph to be a convincing leader.

The Vampire Authority plot line is already tired, long before they can properly introduce their (well-cast)  Authority members. If that is to be our main focus for the vampire portion of the cast, I’m going to need more booze.

Does television need yet another super-sketchy “government” agency? Gag me with a spoon.

The shining golden nugget in all of this chaos is Jason going all puppy-dog-eyed at Jessica. Bits of my heart melted into my rum and coke during one particular scene.

Oh and did I mention Pam? Saved the best for last. That ballsy bitch has totally won me over. Screw Team Eric, Team Alcide and Team Bill, I’m Team Pam.

Hey, since they’re going so far from the books… does that mean we’ll see Pam and Sookie hook up? Just an idea, True Blood writers. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* Say no more…


2 thoughts on “A Puddle of True Blood

  1. Aown

    Dead on, no pun intended. Utterly disappointed in the direction this show has gone and no amount of naked Eric will bring this back to the wonderful that were those charming little Charlaine Harris novels.

    1. It is a struggle to keep them two completely separate universes in my mind. But in doing that, I still retain a little sense of, “Where will the characters go next?” Though, the vast majority of True Blood fans that I’ve seen are starting to watch thinking, “How bad will the train wreck be this week?” and that is just sad. The show still has its high points, but I’m fairly certain HBO may jump ship on it soon if this trend continues amongst fans.

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