Plot? What Plot? True Blood Needs No Plot!

For the sake of my sanity, and because the gods only know what’ll come flying out of my half-drunk fingertips, this is your spoiler warning. Turn back now if you haven’t watched the second episode of this season of True Blood.

Ready for this shit? Good, neither am I. Deep breath, grab your bottle of rum, and let’s dive into the rubbish.

First things first, I’m pretty much just going to ignore the God damned Billith story line arc from now on. In so many TV shows and movies, we’ve been force-fed religious bullshit. I’m done with it. As an atheist, True Blood’s insistence in dredging up religious strife is insulting. Creatures like vampires, shifters, weres, and fae can exist without having an existential crisis every single season of the show. We get it, humans and the supernatural can’t agree on Who Is In Charge Of The World. Dragging this issue out into numerous season is annoying. Frankly, all the writers are doing now is proving that they’re dredging the bottom of the well for new content for a failing show. They shouldn’t be. Not in a universe where there’s so much to explore with the creatures at hand.

Sookie is Christian, a fact that’s more or less lost now. She doesn’t attend church because, well, they think she’s too damn weird. The turmoil Sookie read with her gift made churchgoing uncomfortable, so she opted to worship in her own way. Which we don’t get to see because Sookie is an empty, blonde, large-breasted vessel for them to use in various wet dream scenarios. Can you tell how much I despise how dumbed-down TV Sookie is? She wouldn’t be moping around because Bill and Eric aren’t around. Sookie sure as shit wouldn’t forget to go in for a shift at Merlotte’s. The woman was fresh out of the hospital at times in the books and trying to go in to work–until Sam made her get her ass back in bed.

The writers have taken everything that made the characters unique and wonderful, and thrown it in a damn swamp.

When was Alcide hit with the douchebag stick? Being a leader doesn’t automatically sign a guy up for the Asshole of the Month calendar. Alcide, despite his wolfy mood swings, is a decent guy. He’s caring, takes care of his pack and the people he considers “his”–part of his personal pack of friends. Wolfs are by nature family oriented. But the rational human mind werewolves use wouldn’t let them fall into “all or nothing” land. There’s no fucking way Alcide would kidnap a child from a place where she felt safe. He’d work a deal with Sam–extra security from his pack, moving Sam and the girl to a pack safe house, something that didn’t involve traumatizing a kid who’s mother just kicked the damn bucket.

Also, can we use Lala as more than the world’s most fabulous babysitter? kthanksbye

Jason is a dumbass. We saw snatches of intelligent thought from him during the time he was taking care of the folks out in Hotshot. What happened to them, by the way? I don’t remember that story line resolving. Or did I just block it out because it was stupid as fuck? Anyway…. Jason hasn’t always be a trigger happy moron. They’ve dumbed him down, just like they did with Sookie. Is there some universal rule that the Stackhouses can’t be intelligent and drive their own story line? Instead, they bring in Niall to lead Sookie and Jason through the turmoil by their noses, like a couple of nose-deaf hounds at the end of their days. And what’s with Niall being a slob like Jason? He’s an ancient fae king. The dude is supposed to bleed civility and old-world class. He’s not going to slurp spaghetti like a frat boy with a date in ten minutes. Give me a God damned break. The writers can’t even introduce a character properly. Even for the television world. What kind of king acts like that?

Oh wait, they made Bill the Librarian a king. Never-fucking-mind.

On the Eric front…. He’s adorable when “playing human.” I’ve forgotten how cute Alexander makes Eric when he’s trying to pass as human–the slumped shoulders and soft-spoken, geeky voice. Honestly, poor Eric might be the only one still anywhere near to what the character is supposed to be. Pam is a close second. The rest are all fucking off in left field.

I’ll be one-hundred percent honest with you, readers. The only reason I’ll continue to watch True Blood from here on out is to give you reviews to read. I’m in the middle of too many book projects to provide regular blog content that isn’t a review right now. After True Blood finishes, I’ll resume my Sons of Anarchy reviews. That way you guys still get *something* while I’m up to my eyeballs in vampires and incubi.

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